10:54 pm // 08.11.05 ~understand~
I guess it doesn't matter what this diary looks like... but I really cannot find a design I like. There used to be so many good diary designers, but they all quit. Their lives are full: they have jobs, or school, and family.
It seems like I've been stuck forever. Stuck with nowhere to go. There are so many things that I could be grateful for, the truly important things... but that doesn't take away the fact that I have no job and I provide nothing toward our income. I hate myself beyond words because of that. I do nothing. I feel like nothing. The constant mess of my life makes me so angry, but I do nothing for it. I don't get a job, I don't clean everything, I can't buy anything, I can't do anything. It all cycles on and on. I tried working, but it was horrible pain and I dreaded going back before my first day was over. Eric says everything will be okay, but how can it really be okay? There's no money left. We're not going to be able to make all of our bills and I put this on him. We don't spend extravegantly, but we can't live within our meager means because of our debt. I was trying to move forward, fast forward, when I went to school... because I couldn't keep on not doing what I loved. Now I sit here, no money = no license. I want to kick, kill, and scream. I'm so angry with myself and I'm so angry at the universe for not taking care of me better... for not giving me exactly what I need before I need it. Listen to how that sounds. Arrogant. Selfish. Ignorant. Spoiled. It's like I have no time to think otherwise. I want to break into a billion pieces... because I have no choices. I am so restricted. I left one set of restrictions for another and it's never good enough, yet I never feel as though I truly work hard enough to get anywhere!! I'm still fat!! I'm still sitting here!! I'm still everything I was!! I am nothing more!! I am nothing!!
I swear... it was never this hard to change my point of view before. I don't remember thinking so much and never feeling better. I can't sleep it off. I can't write it out. It's all consumed me and I just don't know what to do.